"You don't have to be so aggressive. I'd suggest dialing it back a bit."

"Sir, I don't think she is ready for a managerial position. Maybe she has the same number of years of experience as all the other candidates, but her lack of commitment to the job and focus on her personal life isn't ideal in a leader at this organisation."

"Why are you so stressed about work? It's not like you have a husband and children to worry about."

"I can't stand her, our manager is so bitchy. And terribly bossy, why does she think she's better than us?"

Would you believe that a woman would say any of these things to another woman?

In the corporate world of work, it's almost expected women will face some form of sexism/misogyny. But what is often brushed under the carpet is how other women contribute towards this kind of discrimination, feeding into negative attitudes about women.

In the spirit of Women's Month and after a long period of reflection, toxic femininity is a topic that will always rear its ugly head. I want to offer a way forward, and meaningful ways that women can support each other rather than tear each other down in these situations, especially in the work place.

As much as the patriarchy and men who uphold it hurt women, it stings when women also partake in discriminating against other women.

From unsupportive bosses to jeopardising colleagues, toxic femininity is alive and present in modern workplaces.

But what exactly is toxic femininity?

It can be defined as a form of internalised misogyny (women subconsciously project sexist ideas onto other women), which involves restricting oneself to stereotypically "feminine" behaviours to appeal to men.

Essentially, women use the same logic and beliefs used against their fellow women, perpetuating the already debilitating misogyny.

And this can present itself in numerous ways:

Passive-Aggressiveness

This is when someone is indirectly communicating anger or discontentment. Somehow, that colleague you once admired has now complimented and insulted you in one sentence.

‍

‍

‍

Passive aggressiveness can happen in many social contexts, but when it comes to woman-to-woman conversations in the workplace, it can often leave you feeling unsupported.

In an environment that is already not built with women in mind, this can take women back a few steps:

"I didn't expect you to land that promotion, well done!" or "You are such an organised and sharp thinker for a woman."

Perpetuating Gender Stereotypes

Upholding restrictive gender stereotypes is a big contributor. Women are supposed to be demure, speak when spoken to, be self-sacrificial, and nurturers. Hearing these assertions about women from other women feels like pouring salt on an open wound.

We are all well aware of the double standards women face: what's the difference between assertion and aggression? The gender of the person in question. Just as you thought you had found allyship, you are once again getting the short end of the stick.

"She's too loud and domineering in our meetings. Please get her to pipe down."

Victimhood is weaponised

In response to being held accountable for their actions, some women turn to victimising their womanhood. You could have had a nasty interaction with a colleague: a fellow woman belittling and stereotyping you in a workplace dispute. You call them out, and their experience as a woman will become the focus of the conversation.

"As a woman, we all face these struggles in the work place,"

‍

Imagine you receive a promotion, and a fellow woman responds to you like this:

"Congratulations on the promotion. It must be nice to have so much free time focus on work. Some of us have families to take care of, and we can't afford to stay late or put in extra hours like others can."

‍

I am not saying that we women should support women no matter what. Discernment is a distinguishing characteristic of humans.

People will be people, and we should never shy away from holding people accountable.

A lot of the behaviours we women in corporate emulate are those of our leaders - historically men from specific economic and racial backgrounds who shaped the working culture we know and demand change for today.

As individuals, some retrospection, contemplation, and change are required.

Here's how we can imagine a better working environment for our fellow women:

Reflect: recognise your beliefs

Ladies, you need to start with yourself. Recognise that, to some extent, we have all discriminated against our fellow women.

Subconsciously or very intentionally, self-awareness is crucial to recognising if you have any harmful beliefs.

Foster a supportive culture

Find ways to show your support for the women in your office, from mentoring sessions to celebrating milestones. Ideally, we should be fostering a culture of mutual growth. Hand in hand, we can uplift each other without anyone being pulled down.

Leaders and managers, this is a chance to set the tone. Your employees will do as you do; you have the power to create an office culture that supports and celebrates women.

Provide resources for a patriarchy-free future.

Creating support groups/initiatives focused on empowering women. Good faith and intentional acts of women supporting women will go a long way in changing the culture in your workplace.

Distraction is essential to keeping discrimination alive. If we can learn to support the other women in our lives, we can get back on track to further empowering corporate women.

‍